Married Life! YES!!!

It's been a year since I went on my first date with the woman who would become the love of my life: Adria Jensen. Neither of us knew it then, nor would we have guessed it, but a lot can happen in a year. The truth is that I was hesitant; I was afraid. I was afraid of getting hurt but even more than that, I was afraid of hurting Adria. I didn't want to start pursuing her, have her fall for me, and then break her heart. So I just avoided the whole thing all together for as long as I could. But there came a time when I couldn't avoid my feelings anymore. I knew I was attracted to Adria and I knew that if I pursued a relationship with her we'd get married and that it would happen fairly quickly. It took some time but we started spending time together. She made excuses to visit me in Logan and I made excuses to visit her in Centerville. But I just couldn't come to terms with what I was feeling for her. I had some emotional baggage that for some reason I just couldn't let go. Eventually, I realized that the emotional baggage that I was carrying was making me miserable, while the thought of spending time with Adria was making me happy. I didn't notice the smile she put on my face at first, but when I did I knew there was no going back. It's now been nearly two months since we got married and it's been the happiest time in my life thus far. Marrying Adria Ann Jensen was the best decision I've ever made in my entire life. If you ask her, I'm sure she'd agree ;-)

The letter that I can't bring myself to send...

Dear ________,

I sincerely hope I haven't hurt you, but I fear that my hopes are in vain. By now you know that I've moved on and found someone else. I've put aside the candle that I was previously holding in hopes that I could use it to reignite the flame that I thought once existed between us. Brief though it was, you and I had something once. When it started, I thought it would last forever. I wanted it to last forever. I was so ecstatic when it happened that I wanted the whole world to know about it. Please forgive me for not understanding why you didn't. As devastated as I was when you ended our relationship, I'l be lying if I said it came as a complete surprise to me. I had plenty of subtle and obvious cues that told me you were dissatisfied. I simply chose to ignore them because I didn't want to believe it could end.

I eventually came to terms with it being over and just had to move on with my life. I often feel guilty for leaving you behind and I hope you will forgive me. I only ever wanted to make you happy and I do hope that I was able to put a smile on your face at least once but I now realize that you and I just aren't as compatible as I once thought we were. I sincerely hope you find someone else as I have. She's simply perfect for me and we're planning on getting married in May.

As badly as I wanted it to work out between you and me, I'm now glad that it didn't. You are a wonderful lady, but just not the lady for me. I'm certain that you will find someone who is perfect for you and I hope you recognize that when he appears. You deserve to be happy. You will someday make a some guy out there a very happy man. I wish you all the best.

Sinceriously,
David A. Baron

More Than Just a Headache

I've been wanting to write this one for a while but I always struggle for the right words. I hope that this will help some people understand the physical and emotional pain that accompany migraine attacks.

For as long as I can remember I've suffered from frequent headaches. As a child, they prevented me from participating in sports and other extracurricular activities for much more than a year. I eventually just decided to tough it out pushed through the pain so that I could do things like showing livestock in 4-H and playing percussion in the school band. I remember quite well those days when I was in high school and would immediately take a nap that lasted at least an hour upon returning home. Whether it was at the end of a normal day or after a tiresome marching band practice in 90+ degree weather with oppressive humidity, I had to take that nap before I could do any homework, or indeed anything at all.

It wasn't until I was in high school that I was diagnosed with migraine. They did all sorts of tests on me to rule out some of the more severe possibilities (such as brain tumor) that might explain why I was always getting headaches. The doctors all concluded that I was in perfect health with the exception of the frequent sensation that my brain was trying to escape the confines of my cranium with the use of an icepick. I even got my eyes checked and discovered that I have perfect vision in one eye and better than perfect in the other.

For the longest time, even after being diagnosed, I thought I was just hopelessly lazy or unreliable. This was, and sometimes still is, the cause of much grief for me. Imagine knowing there is a task you must complete but being entirely unable to do so because you cannot keep your eyes open without experiencing great pain. Imagine telling your friends that you won't be hanging out with them because you have a terrible headache. Imagine telling your mother or father that you can't help them with household chores or join them for a special family outing because you feel like your brain has switched to using a jackhammer instead of an icepick. Imagine having to cancel a date because you feel like your head will just explode. Imagine going through life feeling like everything would be so much better if you could just figure out a way to live without your head.

Consequently, living with migraines is more than just the physical pain that accompanies an attack. It's depressing. I don't know how many times I've been accused of faking it or been told that I'm letting everyone down. I suppose that in my case it hasn't happened too often. Most people with whom I associate seem to be understanding and even empathetic toward my condition. But there are those times when I just want to shove my fingers into some people's eyeballs so they can start to get a feeling for what it's like to suffer from a migraine.

A year in review...

What can I say about 2010? It started out really crappy, got super awesome somewhere in the middle, and ended rather mediocre. I guess mediocre is a few steps up from really crappy but it feels really crappy after super awesome. That's pretty much all I have to say about that.

To my anonymous commenter: I'm not quite sure what to say. I have my suspicions regarding your identity but somehow I feel like I would still be quite surprised were I ever to find out. Your words are both a blessing and a curse. Part of me wants to explain why but I suspect that you'll understand.

A brief collection of brief things

1. My jumbled word won't fill the page
   The actors all have left the stage
   Malignant love will take its toll
   Gilead's hate has cured my soul
   
2. only time will tell
   so the saying goes
   but who told time
   all the secrets it knows?
   
3. where do i belong
   who will hear my song
   you all know my name
   but don’t know who I am
   
4. the world is all the same
   and i don’t have a name
   a face within a crowd
   your opinion’s not allowed
   did anybody guess
   that you would make this mess
   you took me for a ride
   then left me here to die
   my thoughts alone remain
   but i don’t have a name
   
5. I am a square peg at a round hole;
   Wanting to fit in but unable.
   The circles and spheres motion for me to enter.
   “Come in,” they all say, “we’re having such fun!”
   But I’m unable to enter.
   And so I sit and wait for someone to come out to me.
   
6. with the wind in my back
   and the sun in my face
   my heavy eyes close
   and my heavy heart soars
   
7. is it love or is it hate
   that turns your black-heart carousel
   is it chance or is it fate
   that leads me to your door
   
8. You invaded my dreams and conquered my heart.
   I was foolish to resist your onslaught.
   But I was too afraid to lower my defenses.
   Somehow you found the chink in my armor that allowed your love to breach my outer wall.
   I’ve surrendered my heart to you.
   But now it is unclear whether you want the spoils of your victory.
   
   
   Note: Some of these are old and some are new. They are in no particular order.

Out of sight, out of mind: the story of my life (or that's the way it seems)

Last week I came to a disturbing realization. It seems to me that as soon as I have left the presence of my friends, or shortly thereafter, they have a tendency to forget that I exist. When I try to contact them, they don't reciprocate my attempts to keep our friendship alive. I suppose there's probably a logical explanation for it but I can't help but wonder at how little effort it takes these days to keep in touch with friends and yet people don't do it. There are of course exceptions to this and perhaps I should just be grateful for that. On the other hand, some of those friendships which have seemingly fallen by the wayside were those that I cherished most. It's always hardest when I need a friend but can't find one to whom I can turn. I suppose I probably don't have much room to complain about this. It's entirely possible that at some point I've been the one who has forgotten a friend who has tried to reach out to me. I hope that's not the case but I can't be too sure. Eventually, if my attempts at contact go unanswered I begin to fear that I'm just being a nuisance and I stop trying. It's very upsetting to me to realize how often this happens. I suppose that perhaps I get attached far too easily for my own good...

floccinaucinihilipilification

Every now and then there comes a person in your life who is quite suddenly an incredibly good friend. But far too often it seems that the friendship is over just as suddenly as it began. We might wonder exactly what went wrong and why the friendship failed. Was it something I did or did the other party simply decide to floccinaucinihilipilificate my friendship? (I know it's a big word but I recently learned it and I just wanted to use it. Besides, if you're reading this then you have access to Google and you can look it up!)

One such experience recently happened to me. There was an individual that I considered to be a very good friend whom I could talk to about pretty much anything. Recently, for reasons unknown to me, this person stopped talking to me. To be sure, I tried on multiple occasions to initiate a conversation but it was never reciprocated. To wrap things up, I confronted the person in question to inquire why I was being ignored and was accused of being rude in response. I asked for an explanation but received none.

As of now, all lines of communication between the two of us have been broken. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to put this out there. I guess that maybe I'm just looking for closure. I like to think that I'm the type of person that will give my friendship freely and will never take it back unless someone that I call "friend" turns his or her back on me. Perhaps that is who I am and perhaps not. My opinion on the matter is rather biased but I can't think of any instance where I turned away from a friend who didn't first turn away from me.

To my former friend:
I doubt you will ever read this but in case you ever do, I forgive you. I have had ill feelings toward you but not anymore. Also, I apologise if I have offended you but do know that I have no idea what it is I may have done nor did I have any intentions of offending you in any way. Even so, I hope you will forgive me. Perhaps someday we can be friends again and perhaps we never will but I wish you no ill will. I hope that you have a long and productive life full of wonderful things because you truly are a wonderful person.

... yet

The night draws on and I'm alone
My bed is too big without you in it
But I still haven't met you yet

I reach to touch you, hold you, kiss you
I close my eyes and see you
But I still haven't met you yet

Our love is pure and undying
Nothing can tear us apart
But I still haven't met you yet

The days are endless and I'm alone
My world is too small without you in it
But I still haven't met you yet

'Bout that time, eh chaps?

I guess it's time for me to be updating this blog. It's been about two months since I packed nearly everything I own into that Chevy Venture and left Louisiana to move to Utah. I say "nearly everything" because probably about half my stuff (the half that I probably don't need and haven't used in at least a year) was already in Utah. My reasons for leaving Louisiana are several but what it comes down to is that I just hit a dead end there. There was literally nothing there for me so it was pointless for me to stay. To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure why I stayed there as long as I did in the first place. I was originally planning on moving to Utah last August but one thing or another kept me from following through with that decision. I won't say that staying so long was a mistake but I will quote the chorus of a Cowboy Mouth song that I think pretty well describes how it all went down: "Louisiana gave me no direction so I pointed to the sun and drove away. The last thing I remember I was thinking of all the reasons I can't stay here."

So here I am in Utah now. I've been spending the better part of my first month or two here trying to figure out what my next step would be. Fortunately, there's some good news on the horizon. I got accepted to Grad School at Utah State! I'll be in the Civil and Environmental Engineering program. I'm very happy that I got accepted and although it took me a few weeks, I did finally decide to accept the offer and I'll be starting there this Fall. The only down side is that I'm a little worried that I might just be in over my head. From what some of my past professors have told me I guess I'll do just fine but this is really a whole new direction for me. I just hope I'll finally be able to find something that I'll enjoy doing for the rest of my life. I suppose only time will tell.

To Alice

Take my hand and walk with me

Where time does not exist.

To places never seen before,

We’ll go and not be missed.

Down the rabbit hole we fall!

Let’s pour some tea for two.

No need to fear the Queen of Hearts

As long as I’m with you!

real or fantasy?

someone once told me
that love is only a fairy tale
and i believed him
until i met you
... whoever you are

Lonesome Feelings

I really hate feeling like this. I've always had a hard time dealing with the loneliness that I feel whenever good friends get into serious relationships. I end up trying to dissect these emotions so I can figure out where they're coming from. Am I jealous? I suppose it's possible. I'm certainly not jealous that I'm not with that girl, whoever she may be. Sure, there have been instances in the past where I had a romantic interest in a female friend who then started dating another guy but I've felt like this when the girl involved was someone that I never thought I would ever want a relationship with. It's not that I'm jealous of the guy for dating that specific girl. Even if I was interested in that girl, there are plenty of other girls out there and I'm not going to get hung up on one that doesn't have any interest in me. That would just be stupid. No, I guess what I'm feeling is an emptiness that stems from not having someone for myself. It's times like this that it almost seems hopeless. I realize that this is rather whiny and annoying. I tend to roll my eyes when other people complain about this issue but it's a real concern.

When I had my final interview with my mission president (and I'm sure every mission president says pretty much the same thing to every missionary) I was told that my next big objective in life, other than education and occupation, is to get married. As the years go by, I cycle through a series of emotions related to this objective.

There's the hope that there's someone who will eventually marry me. That leads to the drive that has me muster up the courage to ask girls out on dates (which leads to a host of emotions in and of itself: nervous, hopeful, excited, happy, frustrated...).

Then there's nothing. I generally have fun on dates but so far there hasn't been anything there. Sometimes I try to convince myself that there's the possibility of something special developing but it never actually happens. The one time I thought it did it just led to a year and a half in an empty relationship that ended it heartache.

After that drive, when I've exhausted all the energy it had to offer and people start to pair off and I'm still left on the sidelines, there's loneliness. Is it because there's no one for me? Certainly not! But it often feels that way. Even though I'm feeling rather lonely right now, I've not exhausted all my options yet. The issue that I'm facing right now is a lack of time.

After the loneliness comes apathy. I stop letting my emotions get the best of me. I just stop caring about the issue all together. Why should I let it bother me? I've tried my best to find someone and it hasn't happened. I'm not ready to get married yet anyway.

When I finally get over those emotions that seemed so crippling and start to feel like myself again, after the apathy, I start to feel hope. It's a vicious cycle and there's no end in sight...

Why do I feel?

*Why, oh why do I let myself feel?
*I told myself not to do it but I did anyway.
*That's the last time I ignore my own advice.
-Who do you think you're fooling, David?
-Deep down, you're a hopeless romantic.
-And what reason do you have to hope anyway.
-You've never been the best looking, the smartest, the most athletic, or the most fun to be around.
-Who would really want to spend time with you when there are so many better choices out there.
*Now, that's devil's talk.
*I may not be the best around but according to my friends, I'm a pretty awesome fellow.
-You don't have any friends, nobody likes you! (sorry, I couldn't resist)
-Who are you kidding?
-They're just saying that to be nice.
-Nobody really wants to spend time with you.
*Ouch!
*Your powers of persuasion are great.
*You almost have me convinced.
*But I'm not going to let you do this to me.
-But doesn't it hurt to feel this way?
-Wouldn't it make you feel better to get angry and retaliate?
-Wouldn't you like to blame someone for the way you feel.
-After all, it's not your fault.
-You didn't do anything wrong.
*You're right, I didn't do anything wrong.
*But neither did anyone else.
*So, why start now with blaming other people for how I feel?
*Maybe it's not my fault, but it's not theirs either.
*These things just happen sometimes.
-But what about the pain?
*It's still there.
*I'll try my best to weed it out and eventually, I'll succeed.
*One thing's for sure: I don't need you're help to do it.
*The only thing you'll do is make it worse.
-Doesn't it hurt though?
*Yes, it does.
*But maybe that's not such a bad thing.
-Of course it's a bad thing.
-How could it possibly be a good thing?
*If I never felt sad, how would I know how great it is to feel happy?

green and brown

A poem I wrote for my friend Lara Keys when she lost her green pen on the evening of the autumnal equinox:

summer has reached its end
the leaves all fade to brown
will green return again
to take away your frown?
fear not my dear, sweet friend
though green is not around
for brown will also end
and green once more abound!

First Presidency Warns Against “Irreligion”

The First Presidency issued a statement March 9 urging the protection and the honoring of the United States’ constitutionally based religious heritage.
This is the text of the statement:
“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints recognizes that a vital cornerstone of a free society is the principle of religious liberty. The First Amendment to the United States Constitution forbids any ‘law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.’ Ours has been a society which encourages religious liberty and toleration. The result, as pointed out by Mr. Justice Robert H. Jackson of the United States Supreme Court, has been that ‘nearly everything in our culture worth transmitting, everything which gives meaning to life, is saturated with religious influences.’ (McCollum v. Board of Education, 333 U.S. 335–38 [1948].)
“We, thus, deplore the growing efforts to establish irreligion, such as atheism or secularism, as the official position of the United States of America, thus obscuring and eroding the rich and diverse religious heritage of our nation. We refer here to attacks on time-honored religious symbols in our public life. Such symbols include:
“1. The reference to ‘one nation under God’ in our pledge of allegiance;
“2. The motto ‘In God We Trust’ on our coins and public buildings;
“3. ‘Praise [for] the power that hath made and preserved us a nation’ in our national anthem;
“4. Use of the Bible to administer official oaths;
“5. The words ‘God Save the United States and this Honorable Court,’ spoken at the convening of the United States Supreme Court;
“6. Prayers at the beginning of legislative sessions and other public meetings;
“7. The performance of music with a religious origin or message in public programs;
“8. The singing of Christmas carols and the location of nativity scenes or other seasonal decorations on public property during the Christmas holidays; and
“9. References to God in public proclamations, such as at Thanksgiving.
“From its beginning The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has accepted the constitutional principle that government will neither establish a state religion nor prohibit the free exercise of religion. Our formal statements of belief include these principles:
“ ‘We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may’ (A of F 1:11).
“ ‘We believe that religion is instituted of God; and that men are amenable to him, and to him only, for the exercise of it, unless their religious opinions prompt them to infringe upon the rights and liberties of others; but we do not believe that human law has a right to interfere in prescribing rules of worship to bind the consciences of men, nor dictate forms for public or private devotion; that the civil magistrate should restrain crime, but never control conscience; should punish guilt, but never suppress the freedom of the soul’ (D&C 134:4).
“ ‘We believe that rulers, states, and governments have a right, and are bound to enact laws for the protection of all citizens in the free exercise of their religious belief; but we do not believe that they have a right in justice to deprive citizens of this privilege, or proscribe them in their opinions, so long as a regard and reverence are shown to the laws and such religious opinions do not justify sedition nor conspiracy’ (D&C 134:7).
“ ‘We believe that all religious societies have a right to deal with their members for disorderly conduct according to the rules and regulations of such societies; provided that such dealings be for fellowship and good standing; but we do not believe that any religious society has authority to try men on the right of property or life, to take from them this world’s goods, or to put them in jeopardy of either life or limb, or to inflict any physical punishment upon them. They can only excommunicate them from their society, and withdraw from them their fellowship’ (D&C 134:10).
“During the course of our history members of our Church have been the victims of official persecution motivated by religious intolerance. We are, therefore, committed by experience as well as by precept to the wisdom of a constitutional principle that government and public officials should maintain a position of respectful neutrality in the matter of religion. If any of our members holding public office have failed to observe that position in any of their official responsibilities we counsel them to remember the principles quoted above.
“But the constitutional principle of neutrality toward religion does not call for our nation to ignore its religious heritage, including the religious motivations of its founders and the powerful religious beliefs of generations of its people and its leaders. The basic documents of our land, from the Mayflower Compact through the Declaration of Independence and the writings of the Founding Fathers to the inaugural addresses of presidents early and modern, are replete with reverent expressions of reliance on Almighty God and gratitude for his blessings. The reference to God and Divine Providence in our historic state documents and the other religious symbols summarized above are time-honored and appropriate expressions of the religious heritage of this nation. As the Supreme Court noted in a leading case, ‘There are many manifestations in our public life of belief in God,’ and these ‘ceremonial occasions bear no true resemblance to the kind of unquestioned religious exercise’ that the government is forbidden from sponsoring (Engle v. Vitale, 370 U.S. 421, 435 n. 21 [1962]).
“Those who oppose all references to God in our public life have set themselves the task of rooting out historical facts and ceremonial tributes and symbols so ingrained in our national consciousness that their elimination could only be interpreted as an official act of hostility toward religion. Our constitutional law forbids that. As the Supreme Court said in another leading case:
“ ‘The place of religion in our society is an exalted one, achieved through a long tradition of reliance on the home, the church and the inviolable citadel of the individual heart and mind. We have come to recognize through bitter experience that it is not within the power of government to invade that citadel, whether its purpose or effect be to aid or oppose, to advance or retard. In the relationship between man and religion, the State is firmly committed to a position of neutrality.’ (School District of Abington v. Schempp, 374 U.S. 203, 226 [1963].)
“As the ruling principle of conduct in the lives of many millions of our citizens, religion should have an honorable place in the public life of our nation, and the name of Almighty God should have sacred use in its public expressions. We urge our members and people of good will everywhere to unite to protect and honor the spiritual and religious heritage of our nation and to resist the forces that would transform the public position of the United States from the constitutional position of neutrality to a position of hostility toward religion.”

(“First Presidency Warns Against ‘Irreligion’,” Ensign, May 1979, 108–9)

Bubble Wrap Bliss

I sit here relieving stress by popping the bubble wrap that padded my new portable region-free DVD player in its shipment to its new home. I wonder what the future holds for me. There was a time not long ago when I knew where I'd be in a month and what I'd be doing. Now here I am a college graduate and I feel like I've got nothing to show for it... At least I have my bubble wrap!

Sleepless Dreams

this night i spend devoid of sleep
and without cause i start to weep
a broken dream, an empty page
the lack of thought has killed the sage
last night i dreamed of you and i
our rocket left the earth behind
the candle’s flame will light the fuse
and i’ll leave this tired world with you

Thus society falls to the sound of a thunderous applause...

I graduated from ULM on Saturday, 16 May 2009. I am now a bona-fide meteorologist. But what I really want to talk about is something that happened the day before. During the graduation practice the folks in charge shared a few statistics (number of graduates, number of cum laude, etc.). One such statistic was the number of female versus male graduates. There were about twice as many women graduating as men. This announcement was greeted with cheers and applause from those present but all the while I couldn't help but think, "Thus falls society to the sound of a thunderous applause." If you don't read any further you're probably thinking that I'm a sexist. Don't get me wrong! I applaud the fact that so many women are getting college degrees. The thing that worries me is where are all the men? Like it or not, if men stop getting an education our society will not last much longer. History has taught us well what happens when men stop caring about education. The Dark Ages ringing any bells?

Words of wisdom from my 8 year old nephew:

"Meteorologists aren't wrong, the weather just changes."

-Michael Norris

Two-way Street

Love, they say, is a two-way street
and I have blisters on my feet.
You're sitting there all smug and smiles
and telling me to walk the miles.
I pause to breathe and then we start,
despite my work, to fall apart.
You tell me that it's all my fault
and that I have a cruel heart.
... and i believe you.