character flaw

I've started noticing more and more that I tend to accept blame all too readily whenever something goes wrong. I suppose it stems from some form of insecurity or something lame like that. The other day, I was thinking back on when I was a district leader on my mission. That was the most responsibility I ever had on my mission because once that transfer was over, I asked the mission president never to do that to me again. The thing that gets me worked up about it though is the fact that 1) I had no idea what I was doing and 2) the zonies seemed to always be on my case about something. Don't get me wrong, I really liked the guys that were my zone leaders at the time and I thought that they were great missionaries but (and this may or may not be true) I often got the feeling that I was being blamed for the screw ups of other missionaries in my district. I guess that, in their opinions, I should have known everything about the other missionaries and what they were doing and which rules they were ignoring and stuff like that. The only problem is that I'm not, nor have I ever been, clairvoyant. I can't know what people don't tell me. How was I supposed to know which of their investigators should be dropped and which missionaries would benefit from a visit with the president? None of this really matters anymore except when considering how I reacted. I felt horrible. For nine weeks (my worst nine weeks out of two years) I felt like I couldn't do anything right, like I was the worst missionary in the world. While I know that that's an untrue statement, it's how I reacted and how I tend to react when faced with challenges even now. I tend to feel like it's entirely my fault and I can't do anything right. I guess I have this "tail between legs" syndrome. It's the same kind of reaction that you get from a puppy that's scolded for peeing on the carpet when it tried to warn its owner that it needed to go outside. Now that I can see this flaw, I guess the hard part is growing a spine and fixing it. It's hard because I need to be able to differentiate when something really is my fault and when it isn't. I don't want to shove responsibility for my mistakes off on someone else any more than I want to accept responsibility for theirs.

Selfishness?

Is it selfish to complain about not being able to do what I want? Here's the thing (or at least how I see it); I often do what others want, even enjoy it at times, and sometimes at the expense of what I want to do. It's only fair to have to make concessions from time to time. However, when my time, my desires, my interests are consistently snuffed out in favor of someone else's... surely there is something wrong with this picture? I keep asking myself, "how often is it that what I want is chosen in favor of what someone else wants?" and maybe it's my skewed perspective of things, but I consistently come up with... nothing. Is it selfish of me to expect others to spend a little bit of their time doing what I want? I just like doing things with other people and it really hurts when it seems like the only way to do that is to give up of my time and efforts. It hurts because the way it appears to me, the subtle message that I interpret from these experiences is that other people's time is always too important for me but my time is never important enough to where I can't participate in whatever activity is proposed. I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings with my complaining. I just have to get this out there and get it off my chest.

Enya: Anywhere is...

I walk the maze of moments
But everywhere I turn to
Begins a new beginning
But never finds a finish
I walk to the horizon
And there I find another
It all seems so surprising
And then I find that I know

You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
If we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is

The moon upon the ocean
Is swept around in motion
But without ever knowing
The reason for its flowing
In motion on the ocean
The moon still keeps on moving
The waves still keep on waving
And I still keep on going

You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
If we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is

I wonder if the stars sign
The life that is to be mine
And would they let their light shine
Enough for me to follow
I look up to the heavens
But night has clouded over
No spark of constellation
No Vela no Orion

The shells upon the warm sands
Have taken from their own lands
The echo of their story
But all I hear are low sounds
As pillow words are weaving
And willow waves are leaving
But should I be believing
That I am only dreaming

You go there you're gone forever
I go there I'll lose my way
If we stay here we're not together
Anywhere is

To leave the thread of all time
And let it make a dark line
In hopes that I can still find
The way back to the moment
I took the turn and turned to
Begin a new beginning
Still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
It's either this or that way
It's one way or the other
It should be one direction
It could be on reflection
The turn I have just taken
The turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end.