I've been wanting to write this one for a while but I always struggle for the right words. I hope that this will help some people understand the physical and emotional pain that accompany migraine attacks.
For as long as I can remember I've suffered from frequent headaches. As a child, they prevented me from participating in sports and other extracurricular activities for much more than a year. I eventually just decided to tough it out pushed through the pain so that I could do things like showing livestock in 4-H and playing percussion in the school band. I remember quite well those days when I was in high school and would immediately take a nap that lasted at least an hour upon returning home. Whether it was at the end of a normal day or after a tiresome marching band practice in 90+ degree weather with oppressive humidity, I had to take that nap before I could do any homework, or indeed anything at all.
It wasn't until I was in high school that I was diagnosed with migraine. They did all sorts of tests on me to rule out some of the more severe possibilities (such as brain tumor) that might explain why I was always getting headaches. The doctors all concluded that I was in perfect health with the exception of the frequent sensation that my brain was trying to escape the confines of my cranium with the use of an icepick. I even got my eyes checked and discovered that I have perfect vision in one eye and better than perfect in the other.
For the longest time, even after being diagnosed, I thought I was just hopelessly lazy or unreliable. This was, and sometimes still is, the cause of much grief for me. Imagine knowing there is a task you must complete but being entirely unable to do so because you cannot keep your eyes open without experiencing great pain. Imagine telling your friends that you won't be hanging out with them because you have a terrible headache. Imagine telling your mother or father that you can't help them with household chores or join them for a special family outing because you feel like your brain has switched to using a jackhammer instead of an icepick. Imagine having to cancel a date because you feel like your head will just explode. Imagine going through life feeling like everything would be so much better if you could just figure out a way to live without your head.
Consequently, living with migraines is more than just the physical pain that accompanies an attack. It's depressing. I don't know how many times I've been accused of faking it or been told that I'm letting everyone down. I suppose that in my case it hasn't happened too often. Most people with whom I associate seem to be understanding and even empathetic toward my condition. But there are those times when I just want to shove my fingers into some people's eyeballs so they can start to get a feeling for what it's like to suffer from a migraine.
3 comments:
by the way dear brother... I love you! Migraines, no matter how hard they are for you... I still love you!
"It might be a tumor.
It's not a tumor!"
Oh dear brother, I totally understand! There have been times when I have felt if this is just a fraction of what the Savior or Joseph Smith felt then I no wonder it was described as being racked with the pains of hell. I understand the ice pick feeling. I often feel as though my head is in a vice and that my eyes are being squished like grapes. I vomit and cry. I am light and sound sensitive. I beg to die even. I understand and I love you. Just imagine what it is like to want to be a good mom and endure this. I guess we know what our grandmother felt too. I don't know the answers but know that I do get it.
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