More Than Just a Headache

I've been wanting to write this one for a while but I always struggle for the right words. I hope that this will help some people understand the physical and emotional pain that accompany migraine attacks.

For as long as I can remember I've suffered from frequent headaches. As a child, they prevented me from participating in sports and other extracurricular activities for much more than a year. I eventually just decided to tough it out pushed through the pain so that I could do things like showing livestock in 4-H and playing percussion in the school band. I remember quite well those days when I was in high school and would immediately take a nap that lasted at least an hour upon returning home. Whether it was at the end of a normal day or after a tiresome marching band practice in 90+ degree weather with oppressive humidity, I had to take that nap before I could do any homework, or indeed anything at all.

It wasn't until I was in high school that I was diagnosed with migraine. They did all sorts of tests on me to rule out some of the more severe possibilities (such as brain tumor) that might explain why I was always getting headaches. The doctors all concluded that I was in perfect health with the exception of the frequent sensation that my brain was trying to escape the confines of my cranium with the use of an icepick. I even got my eyes checked and discovered that I have perfect vision in one eye and better than perfect in the other.

For the longest time, even after being diagnosed, I thought I was just hopelessly lazy or unreliable. This was, and sometimes still is, the cause of much grief for me. Imagine knowing there is a task you must complete but being entirely unable to do so because you cannot keep your eyes open without experiencing great pain. Imagine telling your friends that you won't be hanging out with them because you have a terrible headache. Imagine telling your mother or father that you can't help them with household chores or join them for a special family outing because you feel like your brain has switched to using a jackhammer instead of an icepick. Imagine having to cancel a date because you feel like your head will just explode. Imagine going through life feeling like everything would be so much better if you could just figure out a way to live without your head.

Consequently, living with migraines is more than just the physical pain that accompanies an attack. It's depressing. I don't know how many times I've been accused of faking it or been told that I'm letting everyone down. I suppose that in my case it hasn't happened too often. Most people with whom I associate seem to be understanding and even empathetic toward my condition. But there are those times when I just want to shove my fingers into some people's eyeballs so they can start to get a feeling for what it's like to suffer from a migraine.

A year in review...

What can I say about 2010? It started out really crappy, got super awesome somewhere in the middle, and ended rather mediocre. I guess mediocre is a few steps up from really crappy but it feels really crappy after super awesome. That's pretty much all I have to say about that.

To my anonymous commenter: I'm not quite sure what to say. I have my suspicions regarding your identity but somehow I feel like I would still be quite surprised were I ever to find out. Your words are both a blessing and a curse. Part of me wants to explain why but I suspect that you'll understand.

A brief collection of brief things

1. My jumbled word won't fill the page
   The actors all have left the stage
   Malignant love will take its toll
   Gilead's hate has cured my soul
   
2. only time will tell
   so the saying goes
   but who told time
   all the secrets it knows?
   
3. where do i belong
   who will hear my song
   you all know my name
   but don’t know who I am
   
4. the world is all the same
   and i don’t have a name
   a face within a crowd
   your opinion’s not allowed
   did anybody guess
   that you would make this mess
   you took me for a ride
   then left me here to die
   my thoughts alone remain
   but i don’t have a name
   
5. I am a square peg at a round hole;
   Wanting to fit in but unable.
   The circles and spheres motion for me to enter.
   “Come in,” they all say, “we’re having such fun!”
   But I’m unable to enter.
   And so I sit and wait for someone to come out to me.
   
6. with the wind in my back
   and the sun in my face
   my heavy eyes close
   and my heavy heart soars
   
7. is it love or is it hate
   that turns your black-heart carousel
   is it chance or is it fate
   that leads me to your door
   
8. You invaded my dreams and conquered my heart.
   I was foolish to resist your onslaught.
   But I was too afraid to lower my defenses.
   Somehow you found the chink in my armor that allowed your love to breach my outer wall.
   I’ve surrendered my heart to you.
   But now it is unclear whether you want the spoils of your victory.
   
   
   Note: Some of these are old and some are new. They are in no particular order.

Out of sight, out of mind: the story of my life (or that's the way it seems)

Last week I came to a disturbing realization. It seems to me that as soon as I have left the presence of my friends, or shortly thereafter, they have a tendency to forget that I exist. When I try to contact them, they don't reciprocate my attempts to keep our friendship alive. I suppose there's probably a logical explanation for it but I can't help but wonder at how little effort it takes these days to keep in touch with friends and yet people don't do it. There are of course exceptions to this and perhaps I should just be grateful for that. On the other hand, some of those friendships which have seemingly fallen by the wayside were those that I cherished most. It's always hardest when I need a friend but can't find one to whom I can turn. I suppose I probably don't have much room to complain about this. It's entirely possible that at some point I've been the one who has forgotten a friend who has tried to reach out to me. I hope that's not the case but I can't be too sure. Eventually, if my attempts at contact go unanswered I begin to fear that I'm just being a nuisance and I stop trying. It's very upsetting to me to realize how often this happens. I suppose that perhaps I get attached far too easily for my own good...

floccinaucinihilipilification

Every now and then there comes a person in your life who is quite suddenly an incredibly good friend. But far too often it seems that the friendship is over just as suddenly as it began. We might wonder exactly what went wrong and why the friendship failed. Was it something I did or did the other party simply decide to floccinaucinihilipilificate my friendship? (I know it's a big word but I recently learned it and I just wanted to use it. Besides, if you're reading this then you have access to Google and you can look it up!)

One such experience recently happened to me. There was an individual that I considered to be a very good friend whom I could talk to about pretty much anything. Recently, for reasons unknown to me, this person stopped talking to me. To be sure, I tried on multiple occasions to initiate a conversation but it was never reciprocated. To wrap things up, I confronted the person in question to inquire why I was being ignored and was accused of being rude in response. I asked for an explanation but received none.

As of now, all lines of communication between the two of us have been broken. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to put this out there. I guess that maybe I'm just looking for closure. I like to think that I'm the type of person that will give my friendship freely and will never take it back unless someone that I call "friend" turns his or her back on me. Perhaps that is who I am and perhaps not. My opinion on the matter is rather biased but I can't think of any instance where I turned away from a friend who didn't first turn away from me.

To my former friend:
I doubt you will ever read this but in case you ever do, I forgive you. I have had ill feelings toward you but not anymore. Also, I apologise if I have offended you but do know that I have no idea what it is I may have done nor did I have any intentions of offending you in any way. Even so, I hope you will forgive me. Perhaps someday we can be friends again and perhaps we never will but I wish you no ill will. I hope that you have a long and productive life full of wonderful things because you truly are a wonderful person.

... yet

The night draws on and I'm alone
My bed is too big without you in it
But I still haven't met you yet

I reach to touch you, hold you, kiss you
I close my eyes and see you
But I still haven't met you yet

Our love is pure and undying
Nothing can tear us apart
But I still haven't met you yet

The days are endless and I'm alone
My world is too small without you in it
But I still haven't met you yet

'Bout that time, eh chaps?

I guess it's time for me to be updating this blog. It's been about two months since I packed nearly everything I own into that Chevy Venture and left Louisiana to move to Utah. I say "nearly everything" because probably about half my stuff (the half that I probably don't need and haven't used in at least a year) was already in Utah. My reasons for leaving Louisiana are several but what it comes down to is that I just hit a dead end there. There was literally nothing there for me so it was pointless for me to stay. To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure why I stayed there as long as I did in the first place. I was originally planning on moving to Utah last August but one thing or another kept me from following through with that decision. I won't say that staying so long was a mistake but I will quote the chorus of a Cowboy Mouth song that I think pretty well describes how it all went down: "Louisiana gave me no direction so I pointed to the sun and drove away. The last thing I remember I was thinking of all the reasons I can't stay here."

So here I am in Utah now. I've been spending the better part of my first month or two here trying to figure out what my next step would be. Fortunately, there's some good news on the horizon. I got accepted to Grad School at Utah State! I'll be in the Civil and Environmental Engineering program. I'm very happy that I got accepted and although it took me a few weeks, I did finally decide to accept the offer and I'll be starting there this Fall. The only down side is that I'm a little worried that I might just be in over my head. From what some of my past professors have told me I guess I'll do just fine but this is really a whole new direction for me. I just hope I'll finally be able to find something that I'll enjoy doing for the rest of my life. I suppose only time will tell.