floccinaucinihilipilification

Every now and then there comes a person in your life who is quite suddenly an incredibly good friend. But far too often it seems that the friendship is over just as suddenly as it began. We might wonder exactly what went wrong and why the friendship failed. Was it something I did or did the other party simply decide to floccinaucinihilipilificate my friendship? (I know it's a big word but I recently learned it and I just wanted to use it. Besides, if you're reading this then you have access to Google and you can look it up!)

One such experience recently happened to me. There was an individual that I considered to be a very good friend whom I could talk to about pretty much anything. Recently, for reasons unknown to me, this person stopped talking to me. To be sure, I tried on multiple occasions to initiate a conversation but it was never reciprocated. To wrap things up, I confronted the person in question to inquire why I was being ignored and was accused of being rude in response. I asked for an explanation but received none.

As of now, all lines of communication between the two of us have been broken. I'm not entirely sure why I decided to put this out there. I guess that maybe I'm just looking for closure. I like to think that I'm the type of person that will give my friendship freely and will never take it back unless someone that I call "friend" turns his or her back on me. Perhaps that is who I am and perhaps not. My opinion on the matter is rather biased but I can't think of any instance where I turned away from a friend who didn't first turn away from me.

To my former friend:
I doubt you will ever read this but in case you ever do, I forgive you. I have had ill feelings toward you but not anymore. Also, I apologise if I have offended you but do know that I have no idea what it is I may have done nor did I have any intentions of offending you in any way. Even so, I hope you will forgive me. Perhaps someday we can be friends again and perhaps we never will but I wish you no ill will. I hope that you have a long and productive life full of wonderful things because you truly are a wonderful person.

... yet

The night draws on and I'm alone
My bed is too big without you in it
But I still haven't met you yet

I reach to touch you, hold you, kiss you
I close my eyes and see you
But I still haven't met you yet

Our love is pure and undying
Nothing can tear us apart
But I still haven't met you yet

The days are endless and I'm alone
My world is too small without you in it
But I still haven't met you yet

'Bout that time, eh chaps?

I guess it's time for me to be updating this blog. It's been about two months since I packed nearly everything I own into that Chevy Venture and left Louisiana to move to Utah. I say "nearly everything" because probably about half my stuff (the half that I probably don't need and haven't used in at least a year) was already in Utah. My reasons for leaving Louisiana are several but what it comes down to is that I just hit a dead end there. There was literally nothing there for me so it was pointless for me to stay. To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure why I stayed there as long as I did in the first place. I was originally planning on moving to Utah last August but one thing or another kept me from following through with that decision. I won't say that staying so long was a mistake but I will quote the chorus of a Cowboy Mouth song that I think pretty well describes how it all went down: "Louisiana gave me no direction so I pointed to the sun and drove away. The last thing I remember I was thinking of all the reasons I can't stay here."

So here I am in Utah now. I've been spending the better part of my first month or two here trying to figure out what my next step would be. Fortunately, there's some good news on the horizon. I got accepted to Grad School at Utah State! I'll be in the Civil and Environmental Engineering program. I'm very happy that I got accepted and although it took me a few weeks, I did finally decide to accept the offer and I'll be starting there this Fall. The only down side is that I'm a little worried that I might just be in over my head. From what some of my past professors have told me I guess I'll do just fine but this is really a whole new direction for me. I just hope I'll finally be able to find something that I'll enjoy doing for the rest of my life. I suppose only time will tell.

To Alice

Take my hand and walk with me

Where time does not exist.

To places never seen before,

We’ll go and not be missed.

Down the rabbit hole we fall!

Let’s pour some tea for two.

No need to fear the Queen of Hearts

As long as I’m with you!

real or fantasy?

someone once told me
that love is only a fairy tale
and i believed him
until i met you
... whoever you are

Lonesome Feelings

I really hate feeling like this. I've always had a hard time dealing with the loneliness that I feel whenever good friends get into serious relationships. I end up trying to dissect these emotions so I can figure out where they're coming from. Am I jealous? I suppose it's possible. I'm certainly not jealous that I'm not with that girl, whoever she may be. Sure, there have been instances in the past where I had a romantic interest in a female friend who then started dating another guy but I've felt like this when the girl involved was someone that I never thought I would ever want a relationship with. It's not that I'm jealous of the guy for dating that specific girl. Even if I was interested in that girl, there are plenty of other girls out there and I'm not going to get hung up on one that doesn't have any interest in me. That would just be stupid. No, I guess what I'm feeling is an emptiness that stems from not having someone for myself. It's times like this that it almost seems hopeless. I realize that this is rather whiny and annoying. I tend to roll my eyes when other people complain about this issue but it's a real concern.

When I had my final interview with my mission president (and I'm sure every mission president says pretty much the same thing to every missionary) I was told that my next big objective in life, other than education and occupation, is to get married. As the years go by, I cycle through a series of emotions related to this objective.

There's the hope that there's someone who will eventually marry me. That leads to the drive that has me muster up the courage to ask girls out on dates (which leads to a host of emotions in and of itself: nervous, hopeful, excited, happy, frustrated...).

Then there's nothing. I generally have fun on dates but so far there hasn't been anything there. Sometimes I try to convince myself that there's the possibility of something special developing but it never actually happens. The one time I thought it did it just led to a year and a half in an empty relationship that ended it heartache.

After that drive, when I've exhausted all the energy it had to offer and people start to pair off and I'm still left on the sidelines, there's loneliness. Is it because there's no one for me? Certainly not! But it often feels that way. Even though I'm feeling rather lonely right now, I've not exhausted all my options yet. The issue that I'm facing right now is a lack of time.

After the loneliness comes apathy. I stop letting my emotions get the best of me. I just stop caring about the issue all together. Why should I let it bother me? I've tried my best to find someone and it hasn't happened. I'm not ready to get married yet anyway.

When I finally get over those emotions that seemed so crippling and start to feel like myself again, after the apathy, I start to feel hope. It's a vicious cycle and there's no end in sight...

Why do I feel?

*Why, oh why do I let myself feel?
*I told myself not to do it but I did anyway.
*That's the last time I ignore my own advice.
-Who do you think you're fooling, David?
-Deep down, you're a hopeless romantic.
-And what reason do you have to hope anyway.
-You've never been the best looking, the smartest, the most athletic, or the most fun to be around.
-Who would really want to spend time with you when there are so many better choices out there.
*Now, that's devil's talk.
*I may not be the best around but according to my friends, I'm a pretty awesome fellow.
-You don't have any friends, nobody likes you! (sorry, I couldn't resist)
-Who are you kidding?
-They're just saying that to be nice.
-Nobody really wants to spend time with you.
*Ouch!
*Your powers of persuasion are great.
*You almost have me convinced.
*But I'm not going to let you do this to me.
-But doesn't it hurt to feel this way?
-Wouldn't it make you feel better to get angry and retaliate?
-Wouldn't you like to blame someone for the way you feel.
-After all, it's not your fault.
-You didn't do anything wrong.
*You're right, I didn't do anything wrong.
*But neither did anyone else.
*So, why start now with blaming other people for how I feel?
*Maybe it's not my fault, but it's not theirs either.
*These things just happen sometimes.
-But what about the pain?
*It's still there.
*I'll try my best to weed it out and eventually, I'll succeed.
*One thing's for sure: I don't need you're help to do it.
*The only thing you'll do is make it worse.
-Doesn't it hurt though?
*Yes, it does.
*But maybe that's not such a bad thing.
-Of course it's a bad thing.
-How could it possibly be a good thing?
*If I never felt sad, how would I know how great it is to feel happy?